Fear

Greetings, readers! I am Anuj, and this is my inaugural blog post. Today, I embark on a journey to express my innermost thoughts and feelings. Writing this blog has been on my mind for quite some time, but until now, I lacked the urgency and motivation to start. As I begin this blogging adventure, I want to delve into a sentiment that has lingered with me since childhood — an emotion that has influenced many of my decisions and even those made by my family members.

Growing up, fear played a significant role in shaping my choices. Rather than pursuing a career in medicine, a daunting path requiring extensive study and proficiency in math, I opted for pharmacy. The fear of numbers and the gruelling process of becoming a doctor propelled me towards this alternative. Every decision I made was a reaction to the fear that resided within me. Even during my college years, fear continued to hold me back. I often declined social outings with friends due to the constant worry of academic failure.

During my time in college, my best friend's Fear resurfaced in the form of doubts about our startup venture. The fear of potential failure plagued my thoughts. Fast forward to the present, I secured a job as a lead generation specialist, but once again, apprehension gripped me. I found myself questioning whether I would become stagnant in this role and how my friends' success and financial stability would reflect upon me.

Driven by these fears, I made a decision — I chose to move to the UK. However, a new set of anxieties emerged. Would I obtain a visa? Could I secure a part-time job? What if I failed my exams or couldn't repay my loan? These worries became the baggage I carried with me to the UK. Fear seemed to dictate every aspect of my life, every decision a mere reaction to its presence.

The Reality of Fear

Ironically, my two biggest fears materialized while studying in the UK. Firstly, I couldn't find a part-time job, and secondly, I failed a subject — ironically, my best subject. Witnessing my results, I felt my universe collapse, dreams shattered, and, at one point, even contemplated the purposelessness of my life. It was a day of drought, where sadness and melancholy pervaded, all a consequence of my self-imposed torment.

Finding Clarity Through Collapse

Sometimes, it is through the collapse and destruction of our lives that we gain clarity. In the midst of my pain, I began to see the truth. I realized that these failures affected me deeply because I had crafted an image of Anuj in my mind — an image I superimposed onto the people I encountered daily, including friends and colleagues. They also constructed an idea of who Anuj was, assigning specific skills and qualities to my identity. The fear arose from my relentless pursuit of maintaining that image in their minds.

However, once I started seeing things clearly, the impact of those setbacks diminished. I understood that the pain I experienced stemmed from my own mind's tricks — a propensity to create stories and narratives. When we are joyous, the mind jumps to the sorrowful moments, and suddenly, we find ourselves engulfed in sadness. My mind liked to believe that Anuj was a proficient marketer skilled in digital marketing. Yet, when my failure tainted that image, my mind suffered greatly, deceived by its own misguided perception. It was only when fear became my reality that I could finally perceive things with an unclouded vision.

The Ongoing Journey

I am not claiming to have complete control over my fears and mind — such a notion would be erroneous. The only truth you can get to know is just my feeling things and seeing them every time that happened.